No Bulljive Radio – Episode – No Beaucoup Jive

“… it was written I should be loyal to the nightmare of my choice.”
-Joseph Conrad


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Game #70: FUCK THE STREAK!!!

Drink Dublin (or an Irish Manhattan)

On a team that is lacking in dunks, James Butler is a welcomed addition.

On a team that is lacking in dunks, James Butler is a welcomed addition.

The Bulls came out of the half with a lineup of Capt’ Kirk, James Butler, Luol Deng, Carlos Boozer, and Nazr Mohammed. It was their starting lineup, so coming out of the break, it was hardly a surprise. However, during the first half, one which finished with the Bulls leading 55-46, two of their top contributors were Taj Gibson and Nathaniel Cornelius Robinson. Now, I love Thom Tibodeau to death, but there are times were I really, really question his personnel choices. And as that third period waned, I became more and more worried at the absence of the two superb first half subs. My apprehension proved to be correct, as the Bulls lost any momentum they may have had from that first 50% of the game, and were getting out worked in most every aspect of the game. Then with about four and a half minutes left in the third and the Bulls down by one, in came Nathaniel and Taj. After that point, the Bulls stopped the bleeding, regained control – never too convincingly – and did enough to end the second longest streak in NBA history. If you did not see it, shame on you. It was grand. It was so magnificent, that I became downright giddy in the fourth (even though it was not at all in the bag – more for the pure fun it was providing). I usually keep notes throughout every Bulls game. With four or so minutes left in the fourth, I looked down at my pad and realized I had not written a single line for that quarter. It was mesmerizing.

No Rose, FUCK YOU!!! No Problem I had a little Thai food with a friend before I watched this contest. It was tough for me to do, but as a friend, I DVR’d it, went to eat (avoiding the TV playing the game and praying no one would talk about it – thankfully, Thai folk hate basketball – FACT), and watched it afterward. When I got home and fired it up, I decided I could not stomach the national broadcast and opted to play DJ HatesYou lasted NB mix (Why is it not posted?!) while enjoying the festivities. Yet, even without the sound, I could feel the Kirk Hinrich national-broadcast blowjob fest going on. Then it was confirmed with the giant stat on how much better the Bulls are with Hinrich this year. I admit that a healthy Kirk is a positive on this Bulls team. BUT, what fucking team cannot use a Kirk Hinrich when your options are a very volatile Nathaniel Cornelius Robinson and a very rookie looking rookie in Marquis de Teague?! … On a night when the Bulls really needed something from what was left of their stars (with Noah being injured and Rose being Rose), Lu and Booz came through with aplomb. Lu went: 28 points (10-22 FG), seven rebounds, five assists. Booze rattled off:  21 points (9-17 FG), 17 boards. Lovely work, boys! … Is it just me, or was this the perfect game for Belinelli to miss? I feel like he would have really fucked this one up. … RANT ALERT!!! It seems like so much of Bulls fans’ angst is directed toward LBJ, when it really should be toward Dwayne Wade. LBJ is kind of like child who does not always know how to act. He has this great gift – ergo, he has never had to correct his behavior. D-Wade on the other hand, is a complete bitch. AND the fact that he is a Chicagoan, should make Bulls fans even more ready to disown him. The dude always, ALWAYS plays up the slightest of injuries (Was that him “hobbling” around in the fourth quarter tonight, only to show none of that perceived injury seconds later?!), he moans at refs, and he often does not get back on plays – usually because he is crying to a ref. The prime example of this came in the second quarter. Nathaniel drove to the lane, comically lost the ball, it was kicked to Wade, then Nathaniel promptly tracked back and stole the ball. Instead of getting back on the play, Wade jogged it out in the direction he was going, i.e. the opposite direction of the play. After a few passes the other way, Nathaniel knocked down a wide open three. I wonder who was supposed to be guarding him? Oh,that’s right! That total bitch of an asshole Dwayne Wade. (Maybe he was hurt [his feelings, most likely – HIYO!].) Do not rip LBJ. Maybe he “dissed” the Bulls in free agency, but he is a rather fantastic player. D-Wade, on the other hand, is a complete asshat.

NB has been waiting for a moment to break the Middle Finger to Thumbs Up Scale, and tonight was that night. Behold! THE FOUR EAGLE CRYING REAGAN PERFORMANCE!!!
Four_Reagans_EmergencyIf there was ever a time to pop in Apocalypse Now and passout on the couch… now is that time. Goonight, y’all!

Ed. Note: This is the first time I have ever not listed the score in the review’s heading. It has been a monumental night for us all.

Posted in Fuck LeBron, I hate Thibs, I love Thibs, Injuries, Middle Finger to Thumbs Up Scale, The Beard, The Man from Sudan, Winning Streak | Tagged , , , , | 1 Comment

Game #69: Chicago Bulls 104 – Minnesota Timberwolves 97

Drink Kim Crawford Sauvignon Blanc

Jumping Jehoshaphat, did the Bulls really just win two games over the course of a weekend?! The last time that happened was early December. Most people did not even know where Cyprus was in those innocent times – let alone that it could threaten the Eurozone!

a thousand words

a thousand words

Last night’s game was one of those that you just kept expecting the Bulls to blow – all the way up until the end, when Indy heaved a pair of threes. Today, the Bulls dominated for most of the contest, and refreshingly put away an inferior opponent, while dealing with scores in the infirmary. Even without stalwart Joakim Noah, the Bulls murderfaced the Wolves on the boards, 52-32. It was some lovely team rebounding. Jimmy Butler got a rare start and Thibs promptly punished him with 43 minutes. Butler took his assignment with aplomb, as he worked his ass off and was a constant source of energy.

It was a punctual win, as the Bulls can now build on these victories and parlay them into a streak-ending defeat against the Heat of Miami on Wednesday. Mark my words, no new taxes!

Posted in Hinrich Blows, Injuries, Winning Streak | Tagged , , | 1 Comment

Game #67: Portland Trail Blazers 99 – Chicago Bulls 89

Drink boxed wine

Primer came out in 2004. It was a delightful time-travel romp of a film – if you take delight by trying to claw your brain out. The movie was made on a tiny budget, with director Shane Carruth also being the producer, writer, and lead actor. This incestual virtuoso was able to take on all of that responsibility, release a film that developed a cult-ish following, then seemingly went into hiding. Nothing was known about any follow-up effort, until Shane showed up at this year’s Sundance Film Festival, threw Upstream Color into the ring, pissed all over the audience, and walked away while giving everyone the bird. The piss and bird parts are only a metaphor for what Upstream Color does to an audience. The Bulls are kind of like the Upstream Color of the basketball world – both make about as much sense as dividing a perfectly fine compound word and making it two words for a team name. What I am trying to say is that NB welcomes a new member to the family, the forthcoming DJ HatesYou Jr. Good day, sir!

Upstream Color comes out April 5th.

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Game #66: Denver Nuggets 119 – Chicago Bulls 118, OT

Drink Distilled Water

Derrick Rose had green I'm-not-gonna-play shoes for St. Patty's Day! How cute!

Derrick Rose had green I’m-not-gonna-play shoes for St. Patty’s Day! How cute!

With much of the bleeding my eyes endured while watching this team lately, the Bulls owed us some good ole kooky fun, and this game delivered in spades. This contest had a little of everything: good and bad. The Bulls fought back from a double-digit deficit to tie the game and send it into overtime. And it looked like they were going to win in overtime… a couple of times. But it was not meant to be – as Noah goal tended a Marco last-second shot, which they originally counted. The refs then reviewed the played, wiped off the basket, and Thibs went absolutely bonkers. From my knowledge of the rule, the refs nailed it, and it was rather clear-cut on the replay, but Thibs would not listen to me and yelled anyway. He should have been T’d up, but hey, it was the day after St. Patty’s Day – every deserves to be a little belligerent.

The Bulls turned in a great effort, largely playing a six player rotation versus a team who loves to run and can go deep on their bench. And it was that bench that did them in – as Wilson Chandler had a huge game (35 points on 13-21 FG, nine rebounds), combined with the savvy play of back-up point guard Andre Miller. Miller stats were not mind-blowing (although, 13 assists in less than 30 minutes is rather sexy), but he just ran the point much better than starter Ty Lawson.

For the Bulls, Nathaniel Cornelius Robinson had himself a game (35 points on 13-22 FG, seven assists, seven turnovers), and was dropping some Nate-like shots. The other key Bull was Joakim Noah (14 points on 7-10 FG, 12 rebounds, six assists, and seven blocks). Noah got in some early foul trouble, which opened the lane for the Nuggets. Without Noah in the game, the Nuggets were running amok. When Jo got back into the game, he was able to better solidify the paint, but he still had many flying Nuggets to contest.

St Patty’s Redux After hitting a game-tying three (which would eventually send it to overtime), Nathaniel ran over to the Bulls bench, turned around and did the balls-dance that Tanaka does in Major League II. And while that movie blew, it was highly amusing seeing the Bulls clown do it. … Congrats to the Denver Nuggets TV announcers! They may not be great, but they are the least annoying crew I have heard this year. Their play-by-play dude is solid and their color analyst just sounds like your drunk uncle watching the game in his living room. While that may not sound astounding, the majority of sports announcing is ass-terrible. Hence, the Nuggets may have the best crew in basketball! By default! … The Bulls wore their green jersey in honor of St Patrick’s Day (a day late and a no-call short). I really wished they would have upped the ante and added “McBulls” to the jerseys, a la Noche Latino.

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Breaking News: D Rose return imminent

Joelseppi of No Bulljive is reporting that Derrick Rose will absolutely return for #thereturn this Monday to return against the Denver Nuggets for a return to basketball…return-style.  The signs are obvious and not in any way a loose conspiracy.  Fact:  The staff of No Bulljive bought 6 tickets for the game Monday.  Fact: The mother of No Bulljive’s creator flew in yesterday from Phoenix and is attending the game Monday.  Fact: The infant son of reporter Joelseppi had Bulls onsies bought for him today in anticipation of the game on Monday.  Fact:  During a recent practice, Rose was able to turn, then turn again, which by definition is a “re-turn”.  Fiction: a source close to the Bulls and D Rose told us directly that Rose will return for sure against the Nuggets.

Early favorites for Tuesday newspaper headlines are:  Return-A-Bull 3-1, Return of the Jedi 5-1, Return of the King 5-1, Return to Oz 7-1, Return of the Living Dead 10-1, Return of the Mack 12-1, Return Already you Hasbeen 220-1, A headline not featuring the word “Return” 14,000-1, He Has Rosen 14,001-1.

“I’m returning to there.  This Monday.  And you can take that…to the bank.”

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Game #64: Chicago Bulls 79 – Sacramento Kings 121

Drink Americano/Negroni

Boozer, Belinelli, and Noah on the bench, getting a taste of how difficult it is to watch this team play.

Boozer, Belinelli, and Noah on the bench, getting a taste of how difficult it is to watch this team play.

It is a little known fact that the Americano cocktail (Campari, sweet vermouth, and soda water) evolved into the Negroni (Campari, sweet vermouth, gin). Legend has it that the Negroni was born when the Italian Count Negroni (no shit) wanted an Americano (named after the American tourist who craved the cocktail), but with some balls. Obviously, he chose to replace the one non-alcoholic ingredient with gin. The legend is probably not true, but fuck you, it rules.

My watching of this game took a similar evolution. I started it sipping on Americanos. Yet, when the Bulls wasted no time to display that they had little interest in playing basketball, and were down double digits early, I upped the ante, Count Negroni-style, and broke out the gin. Hell, that was not even enough. As halftime rolled around and the Bulls were down 65-36 to the fucking Kings of Sacramento, I muted the game, popped in Pulp’s This is Hardcore, and started reading the phone book. By the time this shitstorm ended, I had gotten to Navin R Johnson (a typical run-of-the-mill bastard) and achieved enough of a buzz to pass-out and temporarily forget this contest. Hopefully, the Bulls do not run another Book of Job on their fan-base on Friday when they finish up their three-game road trip in Oakland versus the Warriors of Golden State.

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