Game #67: Portland Trail Blazers 99 – Chicago Bulls 89

Drink boxed wine

Primer came out in 2004. It was a delightful time-travel romp of a film – if you take delight by trying to claw your brain out. The movie was made on a tiny budget, with director Shane Carruth also being the producer, writer, and lead actor. This incestual virtuoso was able to take on all of that responsibility, release a film that developed a cult-ish following, then seemingly went into hiding. Nothing was known about any follow-up effort, until Shane showed up at this year’s Sundance Film Festival, threw Upstream Color into the ring, pissed all over the audience, and walked away while giving everyone the bird. The piss and bird parts are only a metaphor for what Upstream Color does to an audience. The Bulls are kind of like the Upstream Color of the basketball world – both make about as much sense as dividing a perfectly fine compound word and making it two words for a team name. What I am trying to say is that NB welcomes a new member to the family, the forthcoming DJ HatesYou Jr. Good day, sir!

Upstream Color comes out April 5th.

Game #66: Denver Nuggets 119 – Chicago Bulls 118, OT

Drink Distilled Water

Derrick Rose had green I’m-not-gonna-play shoes for St. Patty’s Day! How cute!

With much of the bleeding my eyes endured while watching this team lately, the Bulls owed us some good ole kooky fun, and this game delivered in spades. This contest had a little of everything: good and bad. The Bulls fought back from a double-digit deficit to tie the game and send it into overtime. And it looked like they were going to win in overtime… a couple of times. But it was not meant to be – as Noah goal tended a Marco last-second shot, which they originally counted. The refs then reviewed the played, wiped off the basket, and Thibs went absolutely bonkers. From my knowledge of the rule, the refs nailed it, and it was rather clear-cut on the replay, but Thibs would not listen to me and yelled anyway. He should have been T’d up, but hey, it was the day after St. Patty’s Day – every deserves to be a little belligerent.

The Bulls turned in a great effort, largely playing a six player rotation versus a team who loves to run and can go deep on their bench. And it was that bench that did them in – as Wilson Chandler had a huge game (35 points on 13-21 FG, nine rebounds), combined with the savvy play of back-up point guard Andre Miller. Miller stats were not mind-blowing (although, 13 assists in less than 30 minutes is rather sexy), but he just ran the point much better than starter Ty Lawson.

For the Bulls, Nathaniel Cornelius Robinson had himself a game (35 points on 13-22 FG, seven assists, seven turnovers), and was dropping some Nate-like shots. The other key Bull was Joakim Noah (14 points on 7-10 FG, 12 rebounds, six assists, and seven blocks). Noah got in some early foul trouble, which opened the lane for the Nuggets. Without Noah in the game, the Nuggets were running amok. When Jo got back into the game, he was able to better solidify the paint, but he still had many flying Nuggets to contest.

St Patty’s Redux After hitting a game-tying three (which would eventually send it to overtime), Nathaniel ran over to the Bulls bench, turned around and did the balls-dance that Tanaka does in Major League II. And while that movie blew, it was highly amusing seeing the Bulls clown do it. … Congrats to the Denver Nuggets TV announcers! They may not be great, but they are the least annoying crew I have heard this year. Their play-by-play dude is solid and their color analyst just sounds like your drunk uncle watching the game in his living room. While that may not sound astounding, the majority of sports announcing is ass-terrible. Hence, the Nuggets may have the best crew in basketball! By default! … The Bulls wore their green jersey in honor of St Patrick’s Day (a day late and a no-call short). I really wished they would have upped the ante and added “McBulls” to the jerseys, a la Noche Latino.

Breaking News: D Rose return imminent

Joelseppi of No Bulljive is reporting that Derrick Rose will absolutely return for #thereturn this Monday to return against the Denver Nuggets for a return to basketball…return-style.  The signs are obvious and not in any way a loose conspiracy.  Fact:  The staff of No Bulljive bought 6 tickets for the game Monday.  Fact: The mother of No Bulljive’s creator flew in yesterday from Phoenix and is attending the game Monday.  Fact: The infant son of reporter Joelseppi had Bulls onsies bought for him today in anticipation of the game on Monday.  Fact:  During a recent practice, Rose was able to turn, then turn again, which by definition is a “re-turn”.  Fiction: a source close to the Bulls and D Rose told us directly that Rose will return for sure against the Nuggets.

Early favorites for Tuesday newspaper headlines are:  Return-A-Bull 3-1, Return of the Jedi 5-1, Return of the King 5-1, Return to Oz 7-1, Return of the Living Dead 10-1, Return of the Mack 12-1, Return Already you Hasbeen 220-1, A headline not featuring the word “Return” 14,000-1, He Has Rosen 14,001-1.

“I’m returning to there.  This Monday.  And you can take that…to the bank.”

Game #64: Chicago Bulls 79 – Sacramento Kings 121

Drink Americano/Negroni

Boozer, Belinelli, and Noah on the bench, getting a taste of how difficult it is to watch this team play.

It is a little known fact that the Americano cocktail (Campari, sweet vermouth, and soda water) evolved into the Negroni (Campari, sweet vermouth, gin). Legend has it that the Negroni was born when the Italian Count Negroni (no shit) wanted an Americano (named after the American tourist who craved the cocktail), but with some balls. Obviously, he chose to replace the one non-alcoholic ingredient with gin. The legend is probably not true, but fuck you, it rules.

My watching of this game took a similar evolution. I started it sipping on Americanos. Yet, when the Bulls wasted no time to display that they had little interest in playing basketball, and were down double digits early, I upped the ante, Count Negroni-style, and broke out the gin. Hell, that was not even enough. As halftime rolled around and the Bulls were down 65-36 to the fucking Kings of Sacramento, I muted the game, popped in Pulp’s This is Hardcore, and started reading the phone book. By the time this shitstorm ended, I had gotten to Navin R Johnson (a typical run-of-the-mill bastard) and achieved enough of a buzz to pass-out and temporarily forget this contest. Hopefully, the Bulls do not run another Book of Job on their fan-base on Friday when they finish up their three-game road trip in Oakland versus the Warriors of Golden State.

Game #63: Chicago Los Bulls 81 – LA Los Lakers 90

Drink Lazio Owl Pinot Grigio

It is a touch unfair that Dwight can levitate.

To be honest, I did not watch this one all that closely. I had a few friends over, and you know what? Talking over the game and not paying very close attention to it is a much more enjoyable experience for foul games like this one. Afterward, we went to the park with our dogs and threw the frsibee around, which happened to be more pleasant than sitting around and writing a review on this game. It was a spectacular afternoon, perfect for frisbee throwing with the pooches. You really should have been there.

I suppose the game was not all that bad. Nathaniel Cornelius Robinson did many Nathaniel Cornelius Robinson things, both of the good and bad (and very, very bad) variety. Joakim Noah had a lovely line (18 points on 7-12 FG, 17 rebounds), despite looking like he was getting worked by Dwight Howard (16 points on 8-14 FG, 21 rebounds), to the untrained eye. Lucky for you, dear reader, the eyes at NB are very well trained and our ears are even more so. My trained ears picked up color analyst Jeff Van Gundy blow-jobbing Kirk Hinrich (DNP – swamp foot) all of five minutes into this contest. That audio wave sent a signal to my brain to turn the volume down on the surround sound. Science! Laws of science also dictated that a team cannot shoot 37% FG and win a game, except for when they did and beat the Jazz on Friday. Eff Science! The Bulls ARE the 37%. #OWS

NB EXCLUSIVE!!! A source close to NB saw Derrick Rose at Wiener Circle this weekend and confirmed that our beloved Bull will be back this weekend. In fact, the Chicago native went as far as saying he would be “for sure” back this week! (Being a friend of said source, I should probably divulge that this chap is not exactly the most reliable or sober source – thus making him one of our very finest.) So you have a guarantee from the 11th best Bulls site on the planet: Derrick Rose will play this week. You are welcome.

Game #62: Utah Jazz 88 – Chicago Bulls 89

Drink Courtney Benham Lucca Red Wine

Thom Tibodeau, probably watching Nathaniel Cornelius Robinson play basketball.

Just when you thought the Bulls found another way to give away a game, Marco Belinelli falls on a drive to the basket, a mad scrap for the ball ensues, Joakim Noah saves it from going out of bounce to James Butler, who shuffles it back to a Belinelli waiting on the arc, who catches and shoots a three for the one-point lead and the game – just like they drew it up. This all came after the Bulls blew their modest fourth quarter lead, fought back, only to see the new lead blown again. At that point, I already had my review brewing in my jaded noggin. It was brief and had little to do with the actual game. Yet, as fate would have it, the Bulls came back and I am now happy as a clam. (FACT: Clams are not all that happy – making my analogy apt.)

The Booz Luxury Water Vessel As easy and often justly as it is to blame Carlos “God damn!” Boozer for many of the Bulls woes, this game offers one of the rare salutes to the bearded/bald one. Boozer’s line (22 & 10 on 10-22 FG – a statistical palindrome of sorts!) is not going to knock off your socks (or even an unbalanced hat), but if you took in this contest, he was often their first, second, and third option on offense. (Well, I suppose there was the Nathaniel Cornelius Robinson Circus as well.) Boozer seemed rather amped against his old team, making his selective motivation all the more frustrating. His jumper was in rhythm and he was acting aggressive. And even if much of that aggression led to some comically easy fodder for the Jazz bigs, it is much preferred to the pedestrian bystander that Boozer chooses to embody in big games. Was this early March game against a floundering Jazz team a “big game”? With what has to be a collectively fragile ego for these Bulls over the last month, in addition to the suicidal state of its fandom, I would label this one as a “big game.” (And I happen to be THE authority of large contests.)

The Next Day The Jazz announcers (featuring former Georgia Tech great, Matt Harping) talked up what Nazr Mohammed can bring to the table when the ancient Kenwood Academy grad first checked into the game. And as screwy as that may sound, Nazr came in and contributed in this contest. If you have not been following Nazr’s Bulls career thus far, it has largely been a shitshow. Tonight, the Bulls needed Nazr’s size to offset the load of big men the Jazz offer. While Nazr’s line was subtle (nine points on 2-8 FG, seven rebounds, 20 minutes), he brought a respectable physicality down low that was much needed with Noah flirting with foul trouble most of the game. … In addition to the game winner, Marco Belinelli logged his third straight 20-point game tonight (22 points on 7-14 FG). It would be swell if he stayed in as the starting shooting guard even when Rip was healthy or when Rose comes back, but Rip will most likely push him out in the first scenario and Kirk in the second – neither for seemingly basketball reasons.

And if Belinelli did not hit that game-winner, my post would have went a little something like… FUCK YOU, Derrick Rose. Have our eyes not bled enough this season?! As per some medical-talking dude via ESPN, not only are you are cleared to play, but doing so would not put you at anymore risk of injury than anyone else. You are going to have to come back and probably look rather shotty at some point. If you are at the point where it is not increasing the likeliness of injury, then PLEASE, for the sake of our bleeding eyeballs, play! Even if you are not at the top of the game, the mere joy of seeing you on the court would relieve some of the agony that is watching this squad. Please, please, please #thereturn already!

Game #61: Chicago Bulls 83 – San Antonio Spurs 101

Drink NB Manhattan

Hey, Derrick Rose is day-to-day! Which is Bullspeak for, “Go fuck yourself!”

With a slew of players out injured (Rose, Taj, Rip, and Kirk), beating the Spurs in San Antonio (or the Moon, for that matter) was always going to be a tall order – even without their starting point guard and all-around stud, Tony Parker (man, that must suck). Yet, the Bulls toyed with our emotions in an oddly entertaining first half, long enough to give us hope… only to crap on it as the second half wore on. The Spurs turned in a typical Spurs effort after cleaning up some early turnover issues (ten in the first half). It was a team with a system, a system that produces Ws. Sound familiar? The Bulls used to have something like that.

Immaculately Well Fact: Jon Barry is worse than Reggie Miller. Barry was on this game and he was as atrocious as always. My favorite quote of his was, “Everyone said that he [Tim Duncan] was finished last year.” Um, who? Slowing down, perhaps – but finished?! … Carlos Boozer turned in another disappointing showing (10 points on 5-14 FG, eight rebounds), at a time when his team could have really used things like points. To be fair, this was a team effort in futility. Marco Belinelli had a solid effort (21 points on 8-16 FG, seven assists) and Teague showed some promise, otherwise it was a sorry oerall performance. However, it is Boozer’s inability to show up in big games that really stands out. … Holy shit, was it Noche Latino?! IT WAS NOCHE LATINO!!! For those of you whom may be less cultured than the NBA brass, “noche latino” is Latin (I think) for “Night of the Mexicans.” It is the NBA’s way of pandering to the Latino contingent during March. And they go ALL OUT! ESPN was jingling in some Latino-inspired music coming in and out of commercials. Then there are those wonderful uniforms that add “Los” in front of team names. It is like you are transported to Argentina, sipping Fernet Branca with your closest gringos!

Game #58: Philadelphia 76ers 82 – Chicago Bulls 93

Drink Red Dragon Tempranillo

Joakim Noah totally Harlem Shake’n Spencer Hawes!

After some truly horrifying play as of late, Joakim Noah came, saw, conquered, Harlem Shake’d, and entertained a fan based in desperate need of a pick-me-up. Whatever demons that may be in Jo’s plantar fascia, he promptly told it to shut up and turned in a glorious, Harlem-Shake-like performance – posting a triple-double (or, as I like to say, a “tres-Nate”): 23 points (8-12 FG), 21 rebounds, and 11 blocks. The Goat was muy fuerte. And it was ever so welcomed and timely – as with that huge line, the Bulls still struggled to convincingly close out the 76ers. It was a typical Bulls unHarlem Shake close-out job, as they opened up leads, only to see them squandered and keep fans nervous. Yet, even with no one contributing much to Jo’s effort (the team was 39% from the field and 21% from 3), the big man’s monster game proved to be enough to Harlem Shake the woeful 76ers and get a much needed W.

Why will we? Lordy, just about anyone outside of Noah could be ripped for this game. The rest of the starting crew’s field goals read like solid batting averages and little else: Kirk 5-15, Belinelli 3-10, Deng (who started hot) 5-14, and Boozer 5-13. [collar tug] … With the win, your Chicago Bulls close out February with a 5-8 record. While a poor record, the Bulls defintely had a rough stretch of the schedule and were hit with some injuries to boot. Unfortunately, March does not get any easier. One of the few positives is that Rose could #thereturn soon. And I list this as a “positive” more for the fact that it would end all the nauseating speculation, than for whatever Harlem Shake he may bring to the hardwood.

Ed. Note: I have no idea what “Harlem Shake” may be. It is referenced in Twitter a bunch, and from what I can gather from that wonderfully informative site, it could mean anything. Sure, I could do a simple Google search and end the mystery, but there is not chance that the real Harlem Shake is as majestic as the Harlem Shake I have built up in my head. #TeamHarlemShake

Game #56: Chicago Bulls 72 – OKC Thunder 102

Drink Balance by Heath Dolan (red blend)

The Good, The Bad, The Ugly is my favorite movie of all time. Everyone here and there I question my film hierarchy, thinking that I may have romanticized my TGTBTU viewings, and that it could be knocked down a peg (possibly Blade Runner or 8 1/2 dethroning the king). Then I will pop in the Sergio Leone magnum opus, revel in its glory, nod my head and realized that I was a fool for thinking it was not holiest of holies.

After the release of Django Unchained, my sista’ asked me what my favorite Quentin Taratino flicks were. I responded that Pulp Fiction was basically his 1-10 best movies, then the rest followed. Since then, I have had a very TGTBTU moment. Was I judging this classic too much on thoughts of yore? Tonight I had a hankering for Pulp Fiction right around the time the Bulls were ready to start their match against the OKC Thunder. I decided early on that if the game was looking bleak, I would pop in Pulp Fiction and watch the Bulls game on my second TV, sans volume.

Turns out, that was the way to go, as the Bulls laid another turd and Pulp Fiction proved to be as glorious as I remembered. Both of the two events took about as long to cash in on my preconceived judgments as I assumed. The Bulls went down by double digits around the same time as Jules wanted to take a bite of a tasty cheeseburger, had I started them simultaneously. The most obvious difference between the two was the drop-off in entertainment as the two progressed.

Pulp Fiction is a complete masterpiece and the Bulls are a mess. That is about all I got right now.

Game #54: Miami Heat 86 – Chicago Bulls 67

Drink: Death’s Door Vespa Martini

As Joakim Noah admitted, this would not be just another game.  How could it be?  Since the days of Jordan and Pippen vs. Bimbo Coles and Harold (baby jordan) Minor, this has never been just another game.  Recent Bulls heroes in this series have included Noah, Deng and John Lucas III.  So what would this latest installment bring to the storied rivalry?  Just another game.  A bad one at that if you pull for Los Toros.

They let themselves go during the All-Star break

Up until a couple weeks ago, many felt D-Rose would be back for this tilt.  But with Rose recently stabbing Bulls fans directly in the hope, that was not to be.  Add to that the ho-hum absence of Cap’n Kirk, we would get the fully monty that is Little Man Nate Robinson.

TheBron playing the world’s smallest violin for D-Rose still being out.

Early in the game, Noah was the only Bull giving a damn.  Nate was Bad Rex.  TheBron didn’t miss a shot in the half.  The game was tied after one, then the Bulls held themselves to 13 2nd quarter points with 17 first-half turnovers.  Birdman Chris Anderson gave the Heat some toughness that doesn’t show in the box score.  He was added to the Heat as a project, but he seems to be hitting his defensive and tenacious rebounding old self.  (Sidenote:  Good to see Birdman back.  He has a tattoo that looks like he’s promoting Live Free or Die Hard.  He has the name Birdman, which makes me think of Charlie Parker, which is appropriate because both of them LOVED needles.)

Famed hooker-biter Marv Albert was on the TNT call and could not understand why Bulls fans booed loudly whenever TheBron would wind the clock down on the last possession of each quarter.  He thought it was because they were wasting time and not because the ball was in the hands of TheBron James, the most hated player Bulls fans have known since Bill Laimbeer’s child-bearing hips.

The 3rd quarter featured some TheBron dominance and continued Bulls floundering.  However, the sloppiest and most gratifying minute in the history of NBA basketball (that did not involve a point being scored) saw TheBron throw the ball towards the rafters on a dunk attempt, then Wade miss on the break while claiming one of his frail body parts were hacked, before David Stern instructed Mario Chalmers to foul Marquis Teague before the very fabric of the game could become completely unraveled.  That was the highlight of the quarter.

The fourth quarter had the Heat in coast mode.  TheBron hit anything he wanted.  I will never be a fan of his and will fight for Jordan being the better player until my dying breath, but it is incredible to watch him destroy the game.  The Bulls effort made this the most forgettable game in this rivalry since the pre-daredevil Jay Williams days.

Loul Deng had the quietest game I can remember under coach Thibs.  Is it only obvious to me that Rip Van Hamilton is on Performance Debilitating Drugs?  Do they test for PDD in the NBA?  The Bulls bench was anemic.  Marco Belinelli and J-But were awful in failing to hit a shot from the field.  Belinelli may have a Teen Wolf beard, but unless Mar-Bel can bite a beer can open, that’s where their ballin’ abilities end.

It’s obvious that the Heat are the best team in at least the East.  Even if D-Rose comes back, this season is the Heat’s to lose.  This season’s Stages of Grief has reached Acceptance.