The Confederations Cup: Come for the soccer, stay because you have been kidnapped.

Oh, hey there little blog. Are you still around? Well, there is an international soccer tournament about to go down. Let’s cover it. Yes, let’s.

“The mascot will play a key ambassadorial role in the next two years,” actually uttered by legendary Brasilian footballer Ronaldo (pictured).

“The mascot will play a key ambassadorial role in the next two years,” actually uttered by legendary Brasilian footballer Ronaldo (pictured) and laughed at by the  mascot itself.

For the unaware and homeless, the Confederations Cup is nothing more but a warm-up for the following year’s World Cup. Nations dump zillions of credits (I declare now to be the future! dolla’s are out, credits are in.) into building stadiums and coming up with ridiculous mascots for the WC, so they need to test them out and show them off. It is like a soft opening of a restaurant, but with oodles more diving. (To be clear, 1 oodle = 500 units [or credits]) For the Confed Cup (as the kids call it), this consists of taking eight of the most available and willing teams, splitting them into two groups, and getting all soccer on us. Its fun! And you can bet and drink to it! Fun + betting + drinking = ecstasy! Hell, throw in some fish tacos and dick jokes, and you have the perfect sporting event. Fuck it, I AM throwing in fish tacos and dick jokes into the fold! And doing ecstasy! POOF!!!

Group A
This is the much tastier, finely-tuned, fish taco of the two groups. The Confed Cup, and subsequent World Cup, are going down in Brasil. Home turf and being a perennial powerhouse net Brasil the “favorite” label. Yet, Brasil is not fielding the strongest of teams this go-around, as they have ditched many of the older stars (Kaka, Ronaldinho, Edmundo, Cafu) in favor of their young, not completely proven talent. Still, expect Brasil to sign on the line that is dotted and score goals. No Brasil team ever met forward charge (or dotted line) they did not like.

Mario being Mario

Mario being Mario

The other major power in Group A is Italy. The Italians are utmost professionals at international tournaments. They have hiccups every now and then (ahem, WC ’10), but they are also capable of putting together squads that people underestimate, only watch the Italians kick their dicks in the dirt (Euro ’12). What I am trying to say is that they are pros at kicking dicks in the dirt, and kicking dicks in the dirt business is good. (What the hell just happened there? It is like my Delete button is broken.) Plus, the Azzurri boast the most entertaining man in sports, Mario Balotelli. As insane as he is talented and ripped, Balo will do something worth watching. Whether that something benefits his team is a complete coin-flip.

The other two teams in Group A are Mexico and Japan. Mexico is a talented bunch that have been playing some horrible football lately, ignoring simple things that you learn in kittygarden, i.e. teamwork. Japan boasts some of the better fans in the game, but they will be much out-gunned by their group peers.

Group B
This group features more dick jokes than fish tacos. Spain are the reigning champs of everything and are favorites to meet Brasil in the final. Personally, their style of short passing a team to death (a la Barcelona) has become boring to watch. They are like the Wes Anderson of football, at first they were fun and exciting, but now their style has worn thin.

The rest of the group is a mess. Nigeria’s team almost did not get on the bus (or whatever they use to get across the Atlantic) because of pay issues. And African teams are usually about as volatile as their governments (read: VERY). Uruguay enjoyed success at South America’s last tournament, but have largely been a mess since then. And then there is little Montenegro Tahiti. The minuscule island nation won a spelling bee and sent a team that can proudly boast one (1) full-time professional soccer player. It should be… something watching them play against Spain. Poor bastards. On the plus side, they are nicknamed “The Steel Warriors”.

Where Judas’ 30 silver piece shall be bet
Nigeria to win it all: 33-1. I love African teams for the very reason stated above, and Nigeria is my favorite among them. They are often filled with unrefined talent and athleticism.
Balo for lead socrer: 16-1. You would be foolish to throw your money anywhere other than at the world’s most entertaining athlete. At the same time, this is a sucker bet, as the odds are very high that he will be suspended at least one of the matches for lighting a Japanese player on fire.
Mexico to win versus Italy: +220. I have no reason for this bet other than I love betting on soccer (and I am terrible at it).

I will be following and posting about this tourney periodically, so stop on by and cop a squat. (Do people still say that? Have people ever said that? Was that a thing?) Until then, go suck an egg!

About Judas Pato

Just another hard working member of the press, covering the Chicago Bulls and nonsense - often both, simultaneously.
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One Response to The Confederations Cup: Come for the soccer, stay because you have been kidnapped.

  1. djhatesyou says:

    Remember when Ronaldo was sponsored by Nike? Now he’s sponsored by Eating Full Sticks of Butter, Salt on Everything, and Unpasteurized Ice Cream Is Still Ice Cream. Good for him.

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