Your 2012-13 Chicago Bulls Viewing Guide

Not even Carlos wants to watch him play.

If you have a keen eye and discerning nose for basketball, you may have noticed that the 2012-13 edition of your Chicago Bulls is not the tastiest dish on the court. Sure, the product is ethnically diverse, but there is something about the quality that seems to be insufficient. If you have felt this way, I applaud your sharp observational skill set. Unfortunately, while ignorance is bliss, ingesting this Bulls squad can result in boredom, headaches, nausea, and occasional diarrhea. Fear not, loyal Bulls fan, JP is here to offer some tips and suggestions to hold you over until Rose delights us with miracles and parlor tricks or the mythical 2014 plan, when Jerry Krause is resurrected from his fermenting grave and signs Tracy McGrady. But enough with our bright future, and on to the dreary present!

1. Hooch If you are a casual reader of the #11 Bulls blog on the planet, you may have noticed that each game is reviewed with one hand typing and the other holding an adult beverage. Even when times were plentiful and harvests great, I preferred to enjoy each contest with a tasty cocktail or wine. This season, this simple practice has shifted from being a luxury to a necessity. Join in, friends. Stir up a negroni, pour an elegant pinot noir, or shake up a fruity gangrene boot martini, and experience the game through sloshed eyes.

2. Let the Games Begin Tagging along with the first entry, another idea is to compound the drinking into a drinking game. Write down a handful of common results from a Bulls game and assign a drinking consequence to said action. A few examples: Every Boozer “Goddamn!” is a social; every Belinelli missed three is a pass three; every time Hinrich dribbles around and creates nothing is a shot; so on and so forth. If you really want to get nasty, you can drink for every minute Boozer and/or Rip is(are) on the bench in the fourth quarter.

3. Adios, Jerk-Ass (DVR Required) Do you have a pesky friend who does not take the casual hint that their company is no longer desired? Keep a Bulls game or two (Saturday’s Clippers loss would be a great one) on your DVR, and when you want to clear your apartment/house/yurt, throw it on and follow it up with, “I really need to watch this Bulls game I missed. Feel free to stick around, but I really concentrate on the games, so no talking.” This works even better if you have the Bulls feed, as the sound of Funk and King emanating from the speakers will clear any room.

4. Get Shit Done Are you behind on work, cleaning, or pacing around the room? Great! A Bulls game is right up your alley. The less you  pay attention to these games, the more enjoyable they become. Clean the blades of that neglected ceiling fan, then take a break now and then, sipping on your manhattan, watching someone blow past Rip on defense, then continue on to the next task.

5. Learn a Foreign Language Having the volume on a Bulls game can only hinder your viewing pleasure. Whether it is the woeful duo of Funk and King or the opponent’s uniformed feed saying shit like, “You have to watch out, because Boozer can take over games,” they’re all pretty bad. You can use this opportunity to mute the game and learn another language. Tres bon!

6. Cursing for Charity A dime for any swear you or your company drop during a Bulls game could net quite the contribution for your local charity – which is always a great tax write-off.

7. Remove Stains Have you tried everything on that pesky grease stain, but nothing will make it come out? Well, just apply the latest Bulls game, and watch the stain flee in dread.

8. Wagerin’ Bet against the Bulls! A Bulls loss can be comforted with cash money!

9. Roll With the Punches If you are a loyal Bulls fan, you are well versed in tough stretches. The Bulls are still a playoff team this year and who knows what Rose can add to the current roster when he #thereturns. Yes, the bench is horrid, but – as we have learned firsthand – the bench plays a much less prominent role come postseason play. So, sit back, relax, and hang in there, through thick and thin. Merry Thanksgiving, y’all!

About Judas Pato

Just another hard working member of the press, covering the Chicago Bulls and nonsense - often both, simultaneously.
This entry was posted in #thereturn, Losing Fugly and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Your 2012-13 Chicago Bulls Viewing Guide

  1. Touchdown Mollusk says:

    I am intrigued by the gangrene boot martini. Recipe to follow?

    Also, I follow similar tips while enjoying my beloved Chicago Cubs. Tough times, Bulls. Tough times.

  2. Judas Pato says:

    The recipe is around the corner. It will be something that probably no one other than myself will try.

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