This last Tuesday I had the unpleasant sound of Skip Bayless auto-fellating foisted upon me by ESPN.com. In my Bayless-inspired desperation to tune out quickly, I thought, “You know, if I could add even one bit of data to the internet, well, that’s one bit that Skip Bayless won’t be getting at some point in the future.” I resolved immediately to get my DJHatesyou’s super-bold flick-to-the-sack wake up call predictions for 2012-2013 up as soon as possible. Therefore, I now present:
DJHatesyou’s Super-Bold Flick-to-the-Sack Wake Up Call Predictions for 2012-2013
The 2012-2013 campaign started on a wonderful note with Joakim Noah brazenly putting himself in the “I pluralize ‘none’” camp of the English language, by commenting on a timetable for The Return of Rose. “I don’t know when, none of us does” said Joakim Noah. A tip of the hat right there, but I have to say my predictions for this year all take us downhill from that precipice. Grammatically the Bulls are at the top of their game, bask in it Bulls fans. Unfortunately, this ain’t no grammar rodeo. So you ask my prediction? Prediction? Yes, Prediction.
Prediction One: The Bulls will win 46 games. Last year I predicted the number of Bulls wins perfectly at exactly 50 in the labor dispute shortened season. The year before that I was pretty damn close as well. So right up front let it be known, I’m a touch bearish on the Bulls this year (see what I did there?). This roster without Rose gets me sweatin’ like a Spanish bondholder, and despite Thibs constant “no I in team” rhetoric and Herb Brooks channeling, I don’t expect any miracles this year.
Prediction Two: Nate Robinson, I NBA Jammed with Spudd Webb. I knew Spudd Webb. Spudd Webb was a friend of mine. Senator, you’re no Spudd Webb. This prick will cost the Bulls at least 7 games. If this loathsome Webb-wanna-be that can’t pass, defend, or score efficiently isn’t run out of town on a rail by December, expect it to significantly affect the win column this year. Chicago had it’s Eddie Gaedel, and it doesn’t need another one.
Prediction Three: Rose will be injured again. For whatever reason, coming back too early, trying to get too physical too quickly, I just sense another Rose breakdown at the hands of his unbelievable physical skills. A damn shame.
Prediction Four: A major deadline deal that will restructure the future of the team. When the season doesn’t go anywhere near as well as they want it to, I expect the Bulls to clean house for some draft picks and embark upon Rosebulls 2.0.
Prediction Five: Skip Bayless will have “that” surgery that allows you to suck your own dick, and will never be seen again. Territory previously reserved for the likes of Marilyn Manson, Jim Rose and Roman Pulanski will suffer it’s ultimate exposure in the sporting world this year. I admit, many will say this isn’t a prediction, but an outright guarantee, I mean listen to this fuckhead: