A Hammer, A Sickle, A Chicago Bulls 2012 Offseason Review

No Bulljive recently intercepted this draft of a letter from His Highest, penned to his patrons. Being the pinnacle of Chicago Bulls journalism, we now turned it over to you, the people of the burden.

Dear Comrades,

May I express my great shared wealth of gratitude concerning your support through these hard times. The spring saw the fall of our beloved Citizen Rose. This was followed by a summer that (in no particular order): punished our corn production, the ongoing turmoil in an petro-poor Europe, and the sending off of the Bench Mob to the gulag. Through these times of misunderstanding, I appreciate that I can count on you, the loyal social democrats to be educated enough to realize the bigger picture. True, we have lost what many uneducated capitalists think to have been our edge: The Bench Mob. Yet, we, the people for the common good, know that by adding names like Vlad Rad, Nazr, and Belinelli, we have not only paved the way to the destiny of the 2014 Plan, but have made ourselves stronger for the immediate good. And let us not forget the return of our hero of the common man, Capt’ Kirk. It was not the preordained duty of the Chicago Bulls Democratic Party of the People to award their republic with such a national treasure; it was a sacrifice, a gift from the the blood of the republic to the great, just, and obedient citizens of the common good. Together (with your season ticket sales, combined with undying and blind loyalty), we can endure and defeat the gaudy wealth of the free spending, capitalists mentality from LA and the likes. Current troubles can make it difficult, but please fight on and always keep the best interests of Mother Bulls as the basis of your blessed thoughts.

Your Benevolent Dictator,

Jerry Reinsdorf

“We reap for thy neighbor. We bleed for thy country. We set self second for Jerry’s wallet.” – some pinko

For those of you who are not enlightened, this offseason may have resembled a riotous shitshow of sorts. Such is the rubbish of the misinformed, the uneducated. Do not let upstart bloggers and naysayers steer you wrong, your Chicago Bulls pulled off an offseason triumph, the likes of which ye have never seen. Let us take you on a ride to the reeducation camp of recent Bulls history.

The summer campaign began with the drafting of Marquis Teague. A player who then instantly looked lost in the NBA’s summer league (a kind of rec league for first and second year players, and other jobbers). The hope of this youngster providing meaningful minutes all too quickly went missing in desert breeze of Vegas. It was the first stirrings of wonderful summer of hope.

The dawn of free agency offered a real coup, I think we can all agree, with the signing of the majestic, deteriorating Capt’ Kirk. The bizarre eternal allegiance to this once solid(?), respectable(?) point guard overpowered logical thought and, instead, ushered in the former Bull at an inflated, head-scratching price. With the price of this cornerstone of the offseason market, the Bulls had little choice but to fill the remaining roaster with scrubs, pushers, grocery store cashiers, and Nate Robinson.

Seemingly lost in all of this was the ability to improve the roster through trade(s). Sure, this statement is all based on the knowledge of the press. There could have been hush, hush dealings that never surfaced. However, with the interweb and constant supply of loose lips, one would think that if the Bulls were in the market for anything, word would have washed ashore the pages of Bulls websites, periodicals, and the funny papers.

What was the point of this cocktail of inactivity and banal signings? Surely it was not all done in vain, was it? No, my friends, for we have the magical 2014 Plan. I like to call it Operation: Candyland. You see, in Operation: Candyland, the Bulls have become more flexible for the hypothetical/imaginary ripe free agency class of ’14. While elves and fairies hammer away on this plan, the rational fan need not hold their collective breath for it to bare fruit, as there is little in the way of fact or even promise.

Lost in the insipid personnel mix is the sailing away of coach Tom tHibodeau (the “H” is pronounced, I assure you) to the eighth sea of the ninth circle of Hell. The always basketball-shrewd Benevolent Dictator is always ready to screw the Bulls with his left hand, while burning money on a tanking Sox team with his right. Thibs-o-doah has brought out a defensive, hard-nosed prestige to the Bulls. The net result of that acumen and other favorable factors has been a team painted a contender. In a league that is all too quick to lay the burden of the blame upon the coach’s shoulders when a team is poorly constructed, one would think that an owner would reward a coach for taking the tools he is given and sculpting a desirable squad. Sadly, that is not the case, as Thibs wallows in contract purgatory in a time when dump trucks of US currency should be pulling up to his driveway (valet or parking garage, if he lives in a condo).

Oh yeah, not all is bad on the Da Rose front, as Adidas has pioneered a remarkably genius campaign to sell shoes and clothing through his injury. I may have never been more proud of capitalism.  What do you do when you invested millions in an athlete and he tears his ACL? Throw in the soft sell through a “documentary”. Effin’ brilliant. It would be the equivalent of a politician finding a way for a country to make money off of a recession. Hell, if the marketing wizard who came up with the Da Rose #thereturn crusade ran for president, he would have my vote.

Watching Cobra every time a Bulls game is on this season is a very just and intelligent option.

So, yeah, keep watching the Bulls because… well… you, me, everybody, everybody is a sheep. If you are looking for more concrete reasons, try not to seek them out. The best play here is to take the year off, go backpacking in Europe, have premarital sex (or cheat, for you are married folk), drink, smoke pot in Amsterdam, then come back for the 2013-14 season. WARNING: You may very well have to repeat the same events and hope the sorcerer came up with a solution to Operation: Candyland.

About Judas Pato

Just another hard working member of the press, covering the Chicago Bulls and nonsense - often both, simultaneously.
This entry was posted in 2012 Offseason, Age of Rose and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to A Hammer, A Sickle, A Chicago Bulls 2012 Offseason Review

  1. Lazy Marxist says:

    Dope shit.

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