24 Heures du Mans, Part 1

13:42: Fired up the first part of the race. The preview for the madness is going down. Drink: Rip Van Winkle Bourbon, 10 year.

14:05: The French Tricolor is waved and they are off! Actually, they have been kind of cruising around the track for a while. It is called a “rolling start” and it is not too climatic. Also, I imagine that after 24 hours of racing, there will be quite some space between the finishers – thus, not too climatic either. Hopefully, the middle is full of climatic, creamy custard.

14:07: Toyota has reentered the race after taking many years off. The announcer said that they are doing it for Japan’s “morale and faith” after the tsunami. Bless their souls.

14:13: No sign of the Nissan Deltawing, aka the Batmobile. Hm.

14:14: Audi has four LMP1 entries and are heavy favorites… and are already kicking ass, already.

14:21: The #16 car (LMP2) has still not left the pit, ailing with a myriad of problems. Not a good way to begin a 24 hour race. Frowny face.

14:26: Drink: Old Pal. I had a drink accident, pouring sweet vermouth, instead of dry. Thankfully, I recovered well and am back. Its that kind of veteran move you need for 19-ish hours of drinking.

Out of the Batcave and onto the Circuit de la Sarthe!

14:30 The first Deltawing sighting! Apparently it had some moisture problems, but it is now on the track and fighting crime!

14:34: The Audi #4 (LMP1) is pulled into the garage and they are taking the engine cover off!

14:41: The #4 is back!!! Its like when Paul Pierce was all dramatic about his knee in the ’08 Finals.

14:57: The #16 car, that never got out of the pit, has been “retired.” I think they took it out back and shot it.

15:04: The Deltawing takes out its first victim! A fellow Nissan car (LMP2) attempted a pass on the outside of a turn, the Batmobile held its ground, forcing the other car into the gravel. Justice is served.

15:13: Still on my Old Pal. I think I am going to hit some wine, as I only have 47 minutes until the next hour, or heure.

15:15: The Deltawing is wheeled into the garage with electric problems. My guess is that it is secretly getting a weapons upgrade.

15:31: Drink: Muirwood Cabernet, 2009.

15:40: The Batmobile is back! POW! BANG! ZOOM! They showed it taking off from its pit, which features an outline of the Deltawing. Incidentally, it looks like a penis and balls – with its flared out rear wheels and long nose.

15:46: The #71 car, which was leading the GTE Pro pack in the early going, but flew into the gravel during a turn, is getting some work done in the gay-rahge (garage). The driver said that going into the turn, the brake pedal lost all power and went all the way to the floor. No report if he shit his pants.

15:51: If you were wondering, the Muirwood Cabernet has cherry, vanilla, and wood on the nose, is full bodied, and explodes on the palate. The finish is smooth, with subdued tannins. Highly recommended.

16:02: Drink: poured a second glass of cabernet. After that rough first drink (since I began at 1:42, the one o’clock hour needed a drink representative), I am back on track and comfortable. Lesson: Wine fixes everything.

16:05: The #2 Audi (LPM1) is in the gayrahge! Underdog Toyota has moved up to third place.

16:13: The #2 had a cantaloupe-sized piece of “pick-up” stuck in the suspension. I am not completely sure what “pick-up” is, but I have gathered that it is rubber and they also called it “klack, with a ‘k,'” which clears up everything. Regardless, it was extracted and the #2 is back, like Paul Newman at the end of Color of Money.

16:43: The Toyota #8 car (second place) is gaining on the #1 Audi car – in honor of tsunami victims.

17:00: “Pick-up” is discarded tire rubber, that I assume builds up.

17:06: First edition is done. We are about to skip ahead many hours…

About Judas Pato

Just another hard working member of the press, covering the Chicago Bulls and nonsense - often both, simultaneously.
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