Drink: Tyskie (Polish Beer)
Greece is known for philosophy, packing delicious lamb on a rotating popsicle, and fraternity symbols. Poland is known for producing my family, being decimated by Germany, and pierogis, which begat the most magical weekend of all, Pierogi Fest. As far as soccer goes, this was not a savory match-up to showcase the beautiful game. Group A is like American football’s version of the AFC West, with less Phillip Rivers throwing inexplicable interceptions.
First Half/Pierwsza Połowa
After an opening ceremony that offered little defense to all the dumb Pollock jokes I grew up enduring, I was prepared to be underwhelmed. The Greek soccer strategy begins and ends with doing whatever it takes to secure a 0-0 draw. The Polish strategy is more offensive, but without the pieces necessary to execute. (Insert how many it takes to screw in a lightbulb, here.) The first half was more lively than anticipated. Poland pushed hard to excite the home crowd. The best thing that could’ve happened did in that the Greeks went down early. I’m not hating on Greece, but the longer a Greek game stays without scoring, the slower and more mucked up the game gets. The goal was a beautiful cross curling away from goal that Robert Lewandoski expertly headed down, skipping into the net. The other moment of note was the sending off of Sokratis Papastathopoulos. He received two completely unwarranted yellow cards. The first was for having too long of a name, and the second was for misspelling Socrates. After one half, 1-0 Polska.
Best Commentators Ever?
As the game began, Steve McManaman, stated that this is tournament is harder to win than the World Cup. That is true if you’re Brazil or Argentina.
Ian Darke stated, “The fans are chanting, ‘Polska!’, which is the Polish word for ‘Poland’. Yes Ian, the Polish call it Polska. Those Ignorant fools.
Second Half/Secondski Halfski
If there’s one team I would not back to score a goal with only 10 men, it’s Montenegro. Since Montenegro’s not playing, my next choice would be Greece. Yet after just a few minutes, Greece scored out of nowhere on a cross that squiggled around inside the box, to be howitzered home by Dimitrios Salpangidis, who had just entered the game. After that, Greek players embellished injuries by doing grass angels for a few minutes. Salpangidis brought the team to life offensively leading to… ALL HELL BREAKING LOOSE. Polish goalie Peter Szczęsny took down Salpingidis, who made a clever run. The result was a penalty kick with Szczęsny getting sent off. Tyton came in to replace the goalkeeper and saved the ensuing penalty with his kielbasa arms fully extended. I was shocked and mega proud of my heritage. After that madness, both teams agreed to chill the hell out and knock the ball around and share the spoils.
The game was lively for the first 75 minutes. It was more impressive than the Tyskie beer I hate-chugged. This match whet the appetite for tomorrow’s titanic battles. Tune in for more nobulljive reviews which we will post when we feel like it.