Match 1: Greece 1 – Polska 1

Drink: Tyskie (Polish Beer)

Greece is known for philosophy, packing delicious lamb on a rotating popsicle, and fraternity symbols.  Poland is known for producing my family, being decimated by Germany, and pierogis, which begat the most magical weekend of all, Pierogi Fest.  As far as soccer goes, this was not a savory match-up to showcase the beautiful game.  Group A is like American football’s version of the AFC West, with less Phillip Rivers throwing inexplicable interceptions.

Polish players in their warm-up gear.

First Half/Pierwsza Połowa

After an opening ceremony that offered little defense to all the dumb Pollock jokes I grew up enduring, I was prepared to be underwhelmed.  The Greek soccer strategy begins and ends with doing whatever it takes to secure a 0-0 draw.  The Polish strategy is more offensive, but without the pieces necessary to execute.  (Insert how many it takes to screw in a lightbulb, here.)  The first half was more lively than anticipated.  Poland pushed hard to excite the home crowd.  The best thing that could’ve happened did in that the Greeks went down early.  I’m not hating on Greece, but the longer a Greek game stays without scoring, the slower and more mucked up the game gets.  The goal was a beautiful cross curling away from goal that Robert Lewandoski expertly headed down, skipping into the net.  The other moment of note was the sending off of Sokratis Papastathopoulos.  He received two completely unwarranted yellow cards.  The first was for having too long of a name, and the second was for misspelling Socrates.  After one half, 1-0 Polska.

Best Commentators Ever?
As the game began, Steve McManaman, stated that this is tournament is harder to win than the World Cup.  That is true if you’re Brazil or Argentina.

Ian Darke stated, “The fans are chanting, ‘Polska!’, which is the Polish word for ‘Poland’.  Yes Ian, the Polish call it Polska.  Those Ignorant fools.

Second Half/Secondski Halfski

If there’s one team I would not back to score a goal with only 10 men, it’s Montenegro.  Since Montenegro’s not playing, my next choice would be Greece.  Yet after just a few minutes, Greece scored out of nowhere on a cross that squiggled around inside the box, to be howitzered home by Dimitrios Salpangidis, who had just entered the game.  After that, Greek players embellished injuries by doing grass angels for a few minutes.  Salpangidis brought the team to life offensively leading to… ALL HELL BREAKING LOOSE.  Polish goalie Peter Szczęsny took down Salpingidis, who made a clever run.  The result was a penalty kick with Szczęsny getting sent off.  Tyton came in to replace the goalkeeper and saved the ensuing penalty with his kielbasa arms fully extended.  I was shocked and mega proud of my heritage.  After that madness, both teams agreed to chill the hell out and knock the ball around and share the spoils.

The game was lively for the first 75 minutes.  It was more impressive than the Tyskie beer I hate-chugged.  This match whet the appetite for tomorrow’s titanic battles.  Tune in for more nobulljive reviews which we will post when we feel like it.

About joelseppi

Joelseppi Chmara chose to become a Liverpool fan seven years after they won their last league title. His impeccable timing has led to this Liverpool era being dubbed, "The Polished Turd Generation." Joel is also an unashamed patriot of the US Mens National team and cannot stand when second generation Americans root for their ancestors' country over the Stars and Stripes. His favorite player is Sami Hyypia. His least favorite player is a tie between Paul Konchesky, John Terry and Marco Materazzi. His future favorite player is Xander Halas Chmara. Joel is married to soccer-mom-to-be, Beth Anne, who is very tolerant of his obsession with the beautiful game.
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2 Responses to Match 1: Greece 1 – Polska 1

  1. djhatesyou says:

    This is easily the best soccer game review ever. The one thing I would recommend in future reviews would be more Greek financial jokes. Those are easy too. Oh, and when you had to type a players name out did you just mash the keyboard with your fist, or with your forehead?

  2. Judas Pato says:

    Yeah, I would have not even attempted the names. What is wrong with Greece’s finances? They just want their free stuff. It is the very essence of NB.

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