World Champion Off Season in 4 Easy Steps!

The NBA lockout is effectively over and some odd, short version of the off-season is going to commence soon. In addition to the normal free agency that occurs in this period, the NBA enacted the Gilbert Arenas Amnesty Rule, which means that each team can say something like, “We’re paying pudgy Baron Davis what?!” and cut an awful contract. Therefore, not only does the free agency period get shorter, it also gets a whole lot more interesting.

What does this mean for the Chicago Bulls? Unfortunately, probably not much. The Bulls will most likely draw another mediocre shooting guard to add to the already dull poker hand of Jack-five-two or Bogans-Brewer-Korver. If you are interested in such doldrums, here is some rubbish. If, however, you want to get excited about the World Champion Bulls from the imagination of Judas Pato*, then by all means, keep on reading, soldier!

Ozzie Guillen in a press conference, announcing his resignation as the manager of the Miami Marlins.

1. Jerry Reinsdorf axes Gar Paxman and hires Ozzie Guillen to fill both of their currently ambiguous positions.
2. The Monta-Ellis-to-the-Bulls rumor keeps popping up, so let’s go ahead and make that happen, with a twist. The part I do not like is that it involves shipping my favorite player, Joakim Noah. Instead, we are going to go ahead and package everyone’s favorite Turk, Omer Asik, along with Ronnie Brewer and a draft pick. Ozzie has the balls to pull it off.
3. Pull the Gilbert Arenas Amnesty Rule on Carlos Boozer. I believe that Taj Gibson’s game is going to continue to develop this year and he can be a solid starter in the NBA. Plus, there is no way Boozer would last in an organization ran by Ozzie. On the flip side, hearing Ozzie rant on Boozer might be worth keeping him.
4. We now need a complement to Taj Gibson and a backup for Noah’s glass body. For power forward, I would be happy with the newly eligible bachelor and total-bro, Kris Humphries or Glen Davis (both unrestricted free agents). Center is tougher, as there are a handful of starters out there (Nene, Chandler, possibly Marc Gasol and Kayman), then it drops off huge. With Ozzie liking grizzly old veterans, I say he brings back Kurt “Danny Glover” Thomas for one more go at it.

And there it is. You have a starting line-up of: Rose, Ellis, Deng, Gibson, and Noah, you have insanely amusing expletive-filled rants, and you have your seventh ring! How hard was that?

*I have no clue if any of this shit fits in the rules, cap, or any of that jive.

About Judas Pato

Just another hard working member of the press, covering the Chicago Bulls and nonsense - often both, simultaneously.
This entry was posted in Age of Rose, Chicago Bulls, Fuck LeBron, Joakim Noah, Road to Seventh Title and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to World Champion Off Season in 4 Easy Steps!

  1. Touchdown Mollusk says:

    My only problem with your plan (which I can guarantee will work for a championship) is the loss of the Turk. Without him, we will never be blessed by the sight of Jomer, the sweetest of all beasts.

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