Movie Review: Rise of the Planet of the Apes

Usually we at No Bulljive leave movie reviews to the pros, like Hewson Touchdown Mollusk. However, sometimes there is a movie event so large and important that we need to put our two cents in.

The date is August 2, 2011. Standard & Poor’s had previously told the US that they needed $4 trillion in savings from their national deficit in order to keep their premium, previously untouchable, AAA credit rating. On the above mentioned date, the US answered by cutting $2.1 trillion from the deficit. Thus begins our movie.

An ape named Bright Eyes is getting pumped with a drug which is meant to cure Alzheimer’s Disease, but also make apes smarter than your average bear. The ape goes nuts right when the lab is about to showcase her, and they shut the project down, i.e. kill the apes. Aw snap, the ape that went nuts was pregnant with baby aptly named Caesar – which James Franco takes home. Caesar has the same smart medicine it his blood that his mommy had, which naturally leads him to read the paper and discover what an f’n butchering the government did to the debt plan. Obviously, he is none too please on this deal that politicians are labeling it as “dramatic” and “historic,” while blow jobbing each other. You can probably see the next step coming, and you are right. A few days later Caesar grabs the paper and sees the inevitable: S&P lower the US national credit rating to AA plus. It goes without saying that this ape is pissed. Yet, he saw it all coming.

My. Fucking. Ass.

Take, for example, the simple request S&P had of the US: lower the national deficit by $4 trillion, with the ultimatum being lowering the AAA rating for failure to do so. To Caesar, this seemed like a reasonable request. However, Congress not only thumbed their collective nose at the $4 trillion mark by only going with $2.1 trillion (over ten years, mind you), but also raised the deficit ceiling by 2.4 trillion (right NOW). To summarize, this means that the government’s debt reduction “deal” allows for $300 billion more in spending than it cuts. You can imagine how pissed Caesar was over all of this.

The thing about apes is that they are less “rational” about things like debt deals than humans. Therefore, when Caesar saw that the new debt deal did nothing in reality AND got S&P’s goat at the same time, he was having none of it.

The rest of the movie focuses on Caesar leading a rag tag group of primates against the US government, effectively taking it down, and writing up a budget even a primate could understand.

About Judas Pato

Just another hard working member of the press, covering the Chicago Bulls and nonsense - often both, simultaneously.
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