Is it the Ides of March already? Hells yeah! Well then, as tradition dictates, the minds of No Bulljive gathered, chewed on some cud, drank grain alcohol, smoked payote, and came up with some player rankings through a series of nods and other non verbals. The top spot remains to be Derrick Rose (unsurprisingly), while Scalabrine moved up one spot from the basement in which he has called home for some time now (largely due to one member not knowing what a Rasual Butler was).
If you are new to NB Player Rankings, I will give a quick rundown to the method behind this paramount list of the current Bulls roster. The heads of NB list the Bulls roster according to talent, what they bring to the team, entertainment, and most importantly, any arbitrary factor we see fit to judge. Feel free to print out this list and carry it on your person. That way when someone brings up your Chicago Bulls, you can say, “Excuse me, as I whip this out,” grab the list and impress all of your friends and fellow dignitaries (or other drunks and imaginary people who may or may not be present). With that said, on to the rankings!
- Derrick Rose – MJ even endorsed him, then berated his children and pointed out Leroy Smith who beat him out for the varsity high school team. – Joelseppi
- Joakim Noah – Looks like a goat, plays like an awfully talented goat, and cracks me up like a Dave Attell goat. He has made me look at goats in a whole new way. – Judas Pato
- Luol Deng – He plays well and provides a pure spark of no-personality. What’s going on with Duke? Have they figured out how to give full frontal lobotomies to their players without harming the basketball playing regions of the brain? – DJ HatesYou
- Carlos Boozer -Watch-setting Johnny Unitas reliability! (Note: Watch has diamond flair) – DJ HatesYou
- Taj Gibson – I love this dude. He’s is like a toned down version of Noah, yet completely goatless in every fashion. He is more like a tapir. – Judas Pato
- Ronnie Brewer – Speaking of lobotomies, Doug Collins said the Bulls “don’t have enough talent to make a run at the Finals,” but that it was “no knock on them, they’re a great team.” What an ass. That’s all I have to say about Ronnie Brewer. – DJ HatesYou
- Omer Asik – One of the most amusing players on the roster: great defense, a few power dunks, goofy looking, and hands of stone (has a 50/50 chance of catching a pass thrown at his hands). – Judas Pato
- CJ Watson – Has to be one of the back backup point guards in the league. He is like a poorman’s Rose… but I guess most every point guard in the league is a poorman’s Rose. – Judas Pato
- Kyle Korver – Streaky as all get-out and has missed too many open threes. But he provides that threat and eye candy for Demi Moore, should she watch a Bulls game. – Joelseppi
- Keith Bogans – Not trying to be mean. Worst starter in the league? Yes. But if you look at him as a dude who plays 15 minutes, he’s not a total leper. – Joelseppi
- Kurt Thomas – Danny Glover got some rest after Noah came back into the lineup, only to be inexplicably thrown into the starting lineup when Boozer went down. Those old bones need some rest in order to be able to foul someone six times in playoff games. – Judas Pato
- Brian Scalabrine – The more fans lose their shit over him, the closer he comes to being a reality tv star on The U when his “playing days” are over. – Joelseppi
- Rasual Butler – Stop yapping! Quit [screwing] with me, you mother[grabbers]! Nothing called a Ra-zull Butterr is on the team. And pour me those shots you talking me out of. – DJ HatesYou
And now it is time for the Bulls to close out the season with a push for the #1 seed in the East (especially with Boston sputtering as of late). Get to work like Kool Moe Dee, boys.