NB Player Rankings

It has happened again. The three heads of No Bulljive congregated, ate pistachios, yelled random curse words, and assembled the latest NB Player Rankings. The rankings proved that the NB heads have no use for stores of memory, as Omer Asik and Luol Deng only needed a set of eight meaningless games to move up four spots each.

One quick note: DJ HatesYou ranked Jomer as one player, thus earning Noah and Asik a #1 rating apiece. Grumbled DJ, “The Noah Omer combo has to work well for any of my bullshit predictions to come true about what this team is capable of this year.”

One quick note (take two): Carols Boozer was omitted due to his Luke Skywalker hand operation.

Player Rankings

  1. Joakim Noah – He’s gonna do it big! Screwface is looking slim. Who you gonna fear? Him? Or I? – Joelseppi
  2. Derrick Rose – Why not him as MVP? Well when you say it like you’re explaining why you’re gonna put peanut butter on a hot dog, the world is hardly convinced. I’d like D-Rose’s 3 pt % to be higher than his GPA. Beyond that, you know the kid’s money. – Joelseppi
  3. Luol Deng – Appearing to not be an issue, a pleasant surprise for sure. I might stop hating him if he lives up to contractual form this year. Wonderful stuff. – DJ HatesYou
  4. Taj Gibson – Where is this guy? If Noah wasn’t blowing my socks off, I’d be really pissed off. – DJ HatesYou
  5. Omer Asik – Grabs rebounds, blocks shots, and gives the middle finger to the Bulls offensive needs. – Judas Pato
  6. Kyle Korver – I have to see this guy in a legitimate game before I really start slamming him. – DJ HatesYou
  7. CJ Watson – I’ve romanticized that he’ll come off the bench to spell or be partnered w/D-Rose for 20 minutes, hitting 3’s racing up and down the court and blocking D-Wade from behind. It’s the dream I used to have about Corey Benjamin. – Joelseppi
  8. Keith Bogans – It seems like he won the starting role because someone got disqualified or he got in on a technicality. – Judas Pato
  9. Ronnie Brewer – Keeping the hobbled spirit of the Bulls alive! – Judas Pato
  10. James Johnson – Can he play some minutes and develop into a viable option off the bench? Hell if I know. I just found out he’s not the James Johnson with frosted hair who once passed out on my lazy-boy and threw up all over my patio. – Joelseppi
  11. Kurt Thomas – Gather around and Danny Glover will tell you a story about how he invented winter. – Judas Pato
  12. Brian Scalabrine – No. – DJ HatesYou

MGM Grand Casino odds for the Chicago Bulls to win the 2011 NBA Championship: 6-1

About Judas Pato

Just another hard working member of the press, covering the Chicago Bulls and nonsense - often both, simultaneously.
This entry was posted in Derrick Rose, Joakim Noah, Road to Seventh Title and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to NB Player Rankings

  1. Brian Hewson says:

    I will never get over my hate for James Johnson, even now that he’s a large black man.

  2. joelseppi says:

    They are not the same James Johnson. Just found out that the old version was arrested for snorted meth off the delivery guy from Gumby’s. He and Fireflie (sic) couldn’t handle the “primetime”.

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