Statues Pippen Would Not Approve Of (But Jerry Krause Would)

Scottie Pippen will be the recipient of his very own bronze statue at the United Center come the end of the season if you have not heard (no official date of an unveiling has been set). Now what will this bronze ode to Pippen look like? Any money says it will be the classic Scottie Pippen one-handed jam pose. Although that photo isn’t the best representation of his tomahawk-esque jam posture, every kid who grew up with the Bulls has it burned into their memory much like the Contra code. Also like me, I’m sure most cannot define it, but they know it when they see it. What more needs be captured in an homage to Pippen? Not much, but it’s fun to think. And so, I started to think about classic, timeless statues…..and how much they suck. Why not just lop the heads off one of these old statues, and put a make-shift Pippen head rendering on it? Pippen would be honored, Reinsdorf would love the cost-cutting measure, and it’s slimy and cheap enough to even make Jerry Krause proud! In fact, if Krause had anything to do with it, these options WOULD be happening. Here they are:

Pippen Gets a Migraine In Game 7 Against The Pistons

I would call this one: “Pippen Gets A Migrane In Game Seven Against The Pistons.” “The Thinker” by Rodin beautifully transforms into what could have been the first of a four-peat. Deep in thought? Or deep in the throes of a massive migraine? I argue there is no difference. This one should be a no-brainer inspiration for Krause as well since it’s French. If there’s anything that Krause loves eating above all else, it’s cheese, butter croissants, and oily haired vagabonds. Next!

Pippen Reports To Camp After Jordan's First Retirement

This would simply be “Scottie Pippen Enters Bulls Camp After Jordan’s First Retirement.” Was Pippen about to start his own empire after Jordan’s retirement? It was not to be when viewed in hindsight. However, at the time he sure had his chance and a city was hopeful, this statue would be the perfect representation! Pippen after all has many Cesar-like qualities. He wouldn’t abide a Moravian to take what was rightfully his own without a fight (Kukoc gets the last shot?). He ceded leadership when a clearly superior, Godly authority dictated it (Jordan’s comeback). Rumor has it he also tried to get his prized horse appointed as the Bull’s head coach and Senator of Lake Forest. Augustus of Prima Porta also works well for Pippen I must say. Speaking of Mediterranean craziness:

Pippen Conquers The Olympics And The NBA

As an Olympic champion and gold-medalist, I have no proof that Pippen cannot throw a discus with exceptional ability. For his role as one of only two players to be an NBA champion and an Olympic gold medalist in the same year (if it takes you more than .1 second to name the other, congratulations, you’re a complete moron), this one can clearly pass muster as a proper Pippen tribute. Next!

The Thing Halfway Down This Statue Causes Massive Problems

They could just call this one “The Thing Half-Way Down Causes Lots Of Problems If You’re In The NBA (And Your Name Is Scottie Pippen)” Shouldn’t need much explaining, especially to Pippen. And finally!

Pippen Enters The Hall Of Fame

Finally we have what I would call “Pippen Reaches The Hall Of Fame.” By the way, is there any official word on who Pippen’s father is? Just saying.
This statue they’re building has a lot to live up to.
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2 Responses to Statues Pippen Would Not Approve Of (But Jerry Krause Would)

  1. goodluckjanine says:

    Since I have a vote, I vote for: Pippen Reports To Camp After Jordan’s First Retirement.
    It makes the most sense. He knew he was still wonderful and could still dominate.
    By the way, I was not a complete idiot!

    • djhatesyou says:

      That’s probably my favorite as well next to his entry into the Hall, because the more I think about it, Pippen is the bruise of Jordan’s stigmata. Quite powerful on it’s own, and very capable of gathering a following. This question will only be answered when one of them dies on Good Friday really.

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