The First Ever NB Player Rankings

The recent signing of Keith Bogans (and the tragic end of 12th Man Insanity™) solidified the Chicago Bulls 12 man roster. With the end of one era, begins another. So as 12th Man Insanity™ draws to a close, Bulls Player Rankings opens a new epoch of No Bulljive.

The No Bulljive team will determine rankings on a very scientific and arbitrary method. The three heads of NB will gather, not talk to each other, pass along their rankings, curse under their breaths, and part ways. The average of the three will then determine the official rankings. Each member will base their decisions on bias, humor, mood, intoxication, astrology, latest drug trip, and maybe some stats. NB Player Rankings will be released according to a schedule that largely reflects the nature in which the rankings themselves are processed.

With all of that laid down, please understand that the NB Player Rankings represent the pinnacle of sports media’s obsession to make lists and rankings. You should probably write down this list and keep it in your pocket for Bulls conversations you may have with your friends, acquaintances, co-workers, and that quiet guy at the end of the bar who thinks he knows everything.

Player Rankings

  1. Derrick Rose – Not since Kirby Puckett has a franchise relied so much upon a Chicago athlete.  Thank Christ we’re not talking about how much of a dickbag Michael Beasely is. –Joelseppi
  2. Joakim Noah –  Just don’t sing a seventh inning stretch at Wrigley again you asshole. Who am I kidding, Noah does no wrong. – DJ HatesYou
  3. Carlos Boozer – The great Vanilla! Boozer does Boozer and 56 wins win themselves. – DJ HatesYou
  4. Taj Gibson – He’s a gamer.  I love a low-key young dude who does all the Strormin’ Norman intangibles. – Joelseppi
  5. Kyle Korver – Brings back the significance of that weird arced line painted on each side of the UC court. – Judas Pato
  6. CJ Watson – Three point ability & a solid backup means he is already more likeable than Deng. – Judas Pato
  7. Luol Deng –  I kinda like his accent.  Hope he doesn’t jam a finger and be out for half the year. – Joelseppi
  8. Ronnie Brewer – He’s long and quick.  D-Rose will sling the ball in his path on the break and he’ll hold both Wade and Bron-Bron to single digits. – Joelseppi
  9. Omer Asik – Is being paid 1.7 million dollars for this season by the Bulls, so he better have at least 1.7 million rebounds by the end of the season. God help us if Noah gets injured. – DJ HatesYou
  10. Kurt Thomas – Gymkata anyone? This guy is going to rip up the floor like it was his own floor routine! – Judas Pato
  11. James Johnson – Even his name is completely fucking bland. – DJ HatesYou
  12. Keith Bogans – Ended 12th Man Insanity, and for that, I hate him. – Judas Pato

About Judas Pato

Just another hard working member of the press, covering the Chicago Bulls and nonsense - often both, simultaneously.
This entry was posted in Age of Rose, Derrick Rose, Joakim Noah, Road to Seventh Title, Stormin' Norman and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

1 Response to The First Ever NB Player Rankings

  1. Pingback: Note Bulljive | No Bulljive

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