DJ HatesYou’s 5 Mega-Bold & Spicy Bulls Season Predictions

A new season dawns upon the Bulls, and predictions must be made, awful or not, so here they are:

#1. Derrick Rose will best every Jalen Rose stat from 2002-03. If he can do this, the Bulls will be in fine shape, I says. Jalen’s 02-03 season (40.6 FG%; 37.0 3PT%; 85.0 FT%; 4.3 RPG; 4.8 AST; .9 STL; .3 BLK; 22.1 PPG) is statistically the crown jewel of his career, where he was the feature on a team that had little beside him and rookie sensation Jay Williams. While the only thing keeping Derrick from surpassing most of these stats are a shiny new Yamaha and a telephone pole, I don’t think a 10.3% jump in 3PT% for Derrick would be asking too much, and anything less than this would be a disappointment in my eyes.

#2. Luol Deng will remain the second best British impact player in the league. This is because the only other Brit in the league is a guy named Pops Mensah-Bonsu with the Mavericks. The terror and hilarity that a name like Pops Mensah-Bonsu can inflict upon an opponent is easily more effective than anything Luol Deng can do on a court. I can’t tell what makes me angrier actually, Deng’s passive on-court presence, or not having a guy named “Pops” on your team. I’d say the Bulls should acquire him at any cost, but he’s probably in negotiations with the Heat right now to play for pennies on the dollar of what the Bulls could offer him.

#3. Jaokim Noah will get at least one DUI and/or misdemeanor assault charge this year and warm all our hearts telling us the story of how it happened, proving no matter how much you want to hate him, it’s really hard.

#4. Tom Thibodeau will get Coach Of The Year honors. This one is Tom’s to lose with all the goodwill he’s seemingly built up in the NBA over almost 20 years as a not head coach. The Bulls have a lot of ready-to-hit-their-stride and x-factor types this year to boot, the very kind that get coaches labeled a “genius” if they exceed even the lowest of expectations, combine that with a weak central that the Bulls must win, and the trophy case practically builds itself. Way to go Tom!

#5. The Bulls will win 56 games this year.*

*Should the Bulls acquire Pops Mensah-Bonsu and make Luol Deng sit in the corner and think about what he’s done for the entire season, the Bulls will finish 73-9.

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4 Responses to DJ HatesYou’s 5 Mega-Bold & Spicy Bulls Season Predictions

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